...

Alex, you have got to be the most beautiful human being to have ever walked this shithole planet.

Figure this out ...

Liz's list of music that puts her in a sappy mood (not all of it,a nd not all the time, but take guesses):
Bright Eyes
David Bowie
Depeche Mode
NIN
VNV Nation
....
Against Me!


the first five make sense, but the last one ...
Alex sent me one of their songs (Those Anarcho Punks are Mysterious). They're acoustic punk and make him all nostalgic. The last post there, which is simple and short and sappy, was written while I was on the phone with him ... he played me the song and was talking about how he put it on and was thinking about his old life and how everything used to be ... and even though I don't think I agree with that lifestyle, nor do I think I ever will, I had this very clear image of him laying out there on his front lawn, hung over and shaky and having just had an insane night of fun with his friends. ( I don't know what his house looks like actually, so I've just noticed I substituted the townhouse I grew up in in the city ... )
This is how I fell in love with a voice on the phone, because he's so insecure and yet so open at the same time, and in the first three nights of talking to him I got a very good idea of who I was dealing with. He'd talk with me for hours late at night because we were both alone, because he was out in the middle of nowhere and had to do something to keep from going crazy, and I'd talk back because I was already captivated by the things he'd share with me.
He makes me wish I could drive. Makes me want to fly Northwest Airlines and hope for a five-hour layover (detroit's their hub).
Well, he doesn't make me do anything, but the fact is, I'm really feeling it now, the need to go and meet him. This is what i wish I were doing with my spring break.

Sigh.

I'm feeling it again, the heaviness of heart that comes with empathy. I was in such a good mood until a few hours ago. I'm feeling the need to fix everything, especially for Absis. I don't know what he was thinking, trying to come back, but he went about it all wrong. It's no secret that he's about one of my best friends on the board, and yes, I'd have been happy to have him back if he'd just ... he doesn't need to stir shit all the time. He used to be witty and charming, and the drama would just happen now and again ... Sure, Alex has said the drama makes things more interesting, but fuck it. I don't want things to disappear completely. I'd always said if he was gone I was leaving too, but I don't know that I could hold myself to that.
They kicked him out, and he found his way back ... but I don't know that I understand why. If he just wanted to rag on Althea and Meathead, he could have done that through other channels. Anyway, it's not necessarily making life over on LMB fun. But still ... Althea has said a couple of things out of spite that actually have me a little upset. The fact of it is, you'd kind of assume that things like spousal abuse would be talked about in confidence; she didn't need to play that card.
Why am I so up in arms about this?
Because Absis would talk to me quite a bit about his home life, and I've always felt the desire to help him or protect him. I don't doubt she'd feel a little guilty if his father did start beating him instead of his mum, but my heart would just about break I'm sure. I love that kid like he's part of my own family, and my inability to do anything is just being highlighted to me in that comment.

I'm feeling the need to be whatever it is Alex needs from me at this moment in time - lover, friend, prtector, you name it ... I'm feeling the need to protect Absis, I'm feeling the need to not be an asshole to Dave, and I'm feeling the need to still be myself, I'm feeling the need to be a sympathetic ear for Rob, my manager. I'm feeling the need to be there for Rob, Kathleen's boyfriend, though I honestly can't claim to know everything that's going on for him ... and it's all getting so much harder. I'm feeling pulled apart in so many directions ...

I'm falling apart, and this comment wasn't even directed at me.

Yet another reason to switch to Firefox.

So there's so much internet drama going around lately ... I'd picked up this little extension for Firefox earlier today, because the idea of having my tools say "I must not fear!" Seemed pretty great in and of itself. I didn't expect it to DO anything.
I must not fear!

So now my browser has a built in coping mechanism!