Robert Smith

[zerou]

Clippys Pal: Hi
CrowMaiden xLizx: hi.
Clippys Pal: are you ok?
CrowMaiden xLizx: i'm okay.
CrowMaiden xLizx: are you?
Clippys Pal: I'm understandably very sad, but doing ok I guess.
Clippys Pal: I think I'm going to drop out of Drew's online campagin
CrowMaiden xLizx: Why?
Clippys Pal: cause it would be too hard for me with you there too
CrowMaiden xLizx: But we're still friends I thought.
Clippys Pal: we are
CrowMaiden xLizx: If you don't want to come for a couple weeks that's fine, but don't drop it entirely.
Clippys Pal: we are friends, but I need some time to deal with everything
Clippys Pal: this was pretty sudden to me.
Clippys Pal: I think you know I had no idea this was coming.
CrowMaiden xLizx: Hindsight however is 20/20 - look back a couple weeks and you might see the trail of clues...
Clippys Pal: No I don't
Clippys Pal: I've looked back
Clippys Pal: and I can't see anything that would clue me in
CrowMaiden xLizx: For example - this is why I wouldn't go to U2.
Clippys Pal: How long have you been planning this?
CrowMaiden xLizx: Do you really want to have this conversation now?
Clippys Pal: yeah, I need more explanation as to why this happened.
CrowMaiden xLizx: This happened because I'm not even together enough to keep my own shit straight.
Clippys Pal: but we can't work through this?
CrowMaiden xLizx: It's a little hard to work through something like this. We can't change me or the way I feel.
Clippys Pal: So what am I supposed to do?
CrowMaiden xLizx: I don't know. I don't even know what i'm supposed to do.
Clippys Pal: You had to break up with me though?
CrowMaiden xLizx: Out of all fairness, yes I did.
Clippys Pal: Is there anything I've done, anything I could have done to change this?
CrowMaiden xLizx: Nothing. You've been great. Honestly. I couldn't have asked for a nicer, better guy.
CrowMaiden xLizx: I'm not in a place right now where I can have a serious relationship with anyone. I have too much to decided, too much to do. I'm too frustrated with myself to take care of anyone else... as a matter of fact, they've all had to take care of me.
CrowMaiden xLizx: This past year has been harder than I like to let on, and the fact that it's going to stay like this for four years isn't making that any better.
Clippys Pal: I'm sorry I couldn't support you like you needed me to.
CrowMaiden xLizx: You're a fuckload more in love with me than I am with you, and that's probably because of how frustrated I am with myself. For several reasons, none of them that well-defined, I can't have a romantic relationship right now. I love you, but I love you as a friend. You're still one of my best friends, but ti's unfair to you to lead you on like that.
CrowMaiden xLizx: Dave, it's not that you couldn't support me, it's just that some things, one has to do for themself.
Clippys Pal: You know me, I'm gonna beat myself up looking for someway I could change all thia and make you take it back for a while.
CrowMaiden xLizx: You really shouldn't. It's not your fault.
Clippys Pal: Thats how I am, you know that most of all. I take everything onto myself.
Clippys Pal: I don't know where I'm going to end up now.
CrowMaiden xLizx: I know, and that's what's been the hardest part is knowing that you'd do this.
CrowMaiden xLizx: I don't know either. And I don't know what happens now for me.
Clippys Pal: I guess all I can say is I still love you and that I;m here for you 100% whenever you need me.
Clippys Pal: I expect that your going to take off and soar to new levels, and I'm sorry I'm not going to be a part of that anymore.
CrowMaiden xLizx: Yeah, I just don't know what to do now. LIke I said, you're still my best friend and I really want to hang out with you while you're home but I don't want to make things awkward, and that's all it would be right now.
Clippys Pal: Yeah, your still my best friend, but if you show up I'm going to want to hug you and be held.
Clippys Pal: The hardest thing today was that I wanted most of all to be comforted, by you, which couldn't happen
CrowMaiden xLizx: are you okay though?
Clippys Pal: I'm really really sad.
Clippys Pal: but I have to be ok
Clippys Pal: I don't know if I'm even going to stay up here for my full break
Clippys Pal: I might head back early or go vist Kevin or Izzy or Dan or something
Clippys Pal: Home is very painful for me now
CrowMaiden xLizx: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it that way.
Clippys Pal: its not the actual home bit, I'm sad and I was looking forward to spending the week with you, a whole lot.
Clippys Pal: but with that gone, I've got nothing here, friends at school, moms at work. Nothing for me but to sit and be sad.
Clippys Pal: You understand? Its not a reflection on our current friendship, but right now, its too much to be here, Everything here reminds me of what I had and lost.
CrowMaiden xLizx: I know, and I'm sorry. It's the same on my end.
Clippys Pal: I was lucky to have had you for any length of time.
Clippys Pal: so, I'm in a lot of internal pain now.
Clippys Pal: and we both don't know what to do.
Clippys Pal: are you going to be ok?
CrowMaiden xLizx: I'm going to be okay.
CrowMaiden xLizx: I just don't know where I'm going anymore. It's been a long time since I was single and it's not as comfortable as I remember but I know it was a step in the right direction. I'm sorry.
Clippys Pal: I'm scared of being alone.
Clippys Pal: I don't want to be alone.
CrowMaiden xLizx: Neither do I, but to stay together because it's comfortable isn't the right choice here. Growing is painful or at the very least uncomfortable, that's something I learned a long time ago.
Clippys Pal: I feel the void in me again, the one you've helped me heal from my dad's passing. I need to find a way to fill that.
Clippys Pal: You've made me feel complete for a long time, now I'm just not.....
Clippys Pal: so I hope you can find happiness, if it wasn't with me.
Clippys Pal: are you there?
CrowMaiden xLizx: I'm here, I just ... don't have anything to say.
Clippys Pal: More than anything else I want you happy
Clippys Pal: Do you think you'll find that someday?
CrowMaiden xLizx: I know I will.
Clippys Pal: that this path will take you there
CrowMaiden xLizx: That I don't know, because I don't know where it's going next; I haven't chosen that. There is no path really except the one I'm making, which is a scary thought but necessary.
Clippys Pal: I assume there is no chance for us to come back together?
CrowMaiden xLizx: That would be the better assumption to make.
Clippys Pal: So I guess this is goodbye to the Liz I've loved. Hello, friend Liz, its been a long time since I've seen you. Tell yourself I love her, if you see her.
Clippys Pal: I think its time I should go.
Clippys Pal: I guess I'll talk to you sometime.
Clippys Pal: I don't know when, probably soon.
CrowMaiden xLizx: Okay. I should probably go too, I have class tomorrow and all.
Clippys Pal: yeah
Clippys Pal: bye
CrowMaiden xLizx: Bye.
Clippys Pal signed off at 11:50:06 PM.

Well, that really is the end then. It's sad because it's uncomfortable at best. But sometimes we do uncomfortable things. We have to.